This ever evolving list will tell you who the hell I’m talking about.

  • Brown Bear
    We work together at Duh Club and we’re neighborhood neighbors. Our greatest dream is to get a giant studio and make it work as a 2 bedroom and only pay $200 for rent. We may settle for a van by the river that takes cats. I like it when he uses his man voice and when he laughs. I’d be Brown Bear’s Non-Sexual Hetero Life Partner if he asked.
  • Bucket
    Bucket and I dated. He was my divorce rebound. He was mean to me. He said horrible things. Turns out he’s a better friend than he was boyfriend. So he stays. Every once in a while, when things get tough for me, he’ll give me advice that is 98% bullshit. But there’s that 2% in there that I’ve trained myself to find that is absolute solid gold.
  • Dibs
    I called him. He’s mine.
  • El Jefe/ Mr. Jeff Brown
    My (totally awesome) roommate and co-conspirator in La Revolución. He also lets me in when I’m drunk and can’t seem to find the right key to go in the door. And he makes food that makes the house smell like yum as opposed to the Butthole Fart smell that I cook (and subsequently eat). He is the most racist person I know, but not in a real way… more in a funny kind of “he would never say that in real life” way. That’s a way, right?
  • Fan Girl
    Works in Duh Spa rubbin people down. She loves The Timbers. She makes them lose all their home games. She’s the only girl whom I can openly call a bitch. Notice that I said the ONLY one. So don’t try it. If you call me a bitch I’m going to hit you.
  • Lady Love (aka: LL)
    We’re like Clementines and Tangerines… we met in hair school when I saw that she was wearing a Dead Confederate t-shirt and then we found that we both had infinity tattoos on our wrists. The similarities just keep on going from there.
  • The Lawyer
    My ex husband.
    We try not to talk about him as he is overwhelmingly douchie.
  • The Lucky Family (Mr. & Mrs. Lucky and their children)
    I’ve known Mr. Lucky for many years– since the olden days when he was the bass player for GroupieBand– and didn’t meet his Soul Mate and spawn until fairly recently (in the grand scheme of things). Altogether, The Lucky Family is a collection of 6 of my favorite people. In addition to Mr. & Mrs. Lucky, there is Bug Lucky, Monkey Lucky, Dear Diary Lucky, and Secret Boyfriend Lucky.
    He’s not really my secret boyfriend.
    But if he were 20 years older he would be.
  • Princess Ballerina
    One of the girls from The Concrete Playground. She’s one of my best girls. We play princesses, we kick the soccerball around her room, and she says she loves me in her perfect little 3 year old voice.
  • The Queen/ Der
    I met her in college. I hated her cause she was a bitch (not even a joke one– like… a real one…). She hated me cause I was lame. Turns out I’m not lame and she’s not a bitch. We’re birthday twins and she’s on the other side of the country, but she’s the only one who can relate to my love of “Vacations”.
  • Swoon
    Swoon put holes in my ears and my lip. When we first met, he would sit behind the counter and… well… openly swoon. It was so goddamn charming that it hurt. He’s gone now, so he may not actually be that much of a recurring character.
  • The White Folks
    I won Mrs. White in a boyfriend divorce. I had every intention of hating her because she was my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, but as luck would have it, I like her. And I like Mr. White. So really it’s a win-win-win situation.